My sweet Janie. She shares with us again.
Thank you, Boho Mamma. So much love.
Photos & Text by Janie
I think it's time I faced my fears again by writing about being a mom. In keeping with the theme of my first "Mama Anthology," I have still been concerned, almost haunted perhaps, by the idea of losing my memory to Alzheimer’s. As I watch Steve’s mother slip away, I wonder what I will remember when I have forgotten all else.
What I Will Remember When I Have Forgotten All Else--Part 2 (for Bekah)
I will remember that I never believed you would be. I did not deserve to have two perfect babies.
I will remember that three generations of women waited in the hallway outside the delivery room the night you were born. I shouted through the door--it's a girl! My throat will still squeeze back emotion when I remember the first time I examined your round face and discovered you got Dari's complexion and eyebrows.
I will remember your surprised smile the time you sat on the clothes hamper and filled the bathroom sink with water and all the paper cups from the dispenser.
I will remember the unique color of your eyes, golden, green and brown.
I will tell strangers about the time you almost convinced me there really were “bitty-bitty horsies” in the empty pasture.
I will remember your dimpled hand as you posed for a picture wearing your gold baby ring.
I will remember the night I held you and we danced at the Liberty Palace. You'd potty trained yourself that day so your bottom was tiny in big-girl panties.
I will remember that you jumped from the swing set and called Steve "daddy" before we knew he would be ours.
I will remember your spirit of adventure when you agreed to leave your teenaged friends and go with me to graduate school.
I will tell other mothers that taking your child away with you is the most wonderful kind of mothering. I was a different person when it was only the two of us.
I will remember the weeks we ate Wal-Mart rice and rationed our gasoline for exploration of our new city.
I will remember your high school "theme song," Baby Got Back and bouncing down Ninth Street with the sound all the way up in the Gran Caravan.
I will wish I had convinced you that you are the most beautiful woman I have ever known.
I will remember the nights my heart drowned in dread, as I imagined finding you broken and left for dead in that secluded house.
I will wonder if it was something I did--or didn't do--that made you settle for less than you deserved.
I will remember the spring night, a tiny child in your belly, when we sat together in the theater, The Passion of the Christ erasing both our sins.
I will laugh when I tell people that you were the child I planned, thinking I would do everything right this time.
I will remember the field of sunflowers daddy planted just for your wedding reception.
I will tell strangers that after days of labor and an emergency C-section, you gave me my first precious granddaughter and named her after me.
I will remember that my gut ached when they told us only one could join you in the operating room--that my selfish side wanted him to chicken out at the last minute.
I will remember that you are the child who worshiped with me at OAG.
I will remember your hand on my shoulder when the Holy Spirit took hold of my tongue.
I will boast that you are my daughter, the teacher.
Sites I Dig
The Road is Home
The Seed & Plate
Sharon Covert Photography
The Define School
The Noisy Plume
Sarah Gee Photography
Fox & Owl Studio
The Stork and The Beanstalk
Mellow Yellow Photography
A Simple Little Journal
What I've Been Reading
The Girls by Emma Cline
A Land More Kind Than Home by Wiley Cash
Dark Places by Gillian Flynn
Never Broken by Jewel
Hold Still by Sally Mann